cock a doodle do it

get your minds out of the gutters, you dirty people, we are not going to there.  we’re talking rooster.  as in, sauce.  as in, sriracha.  as in, food is merely a vehicle with which i can transport more of this condiment-of-the-gods into my mouth.   according to the omniscient being that is wikipedia, sriracha is named after the coastal city of si racha, in the chonburi province of central thailand, and is occasionally known as “nam phrik” (i said out of the gutters, people).  according to the omniscient being that is myself (it’s true, ask my kids), sriracha is a perfect blend of spicy, sweet and tart, and is muy delicioso.  it pretty much single-handedly turns breakfast into a meal that suddenly excites me.  it’s like a scene from an 80’s teen rom-com: sriracha takes off breakfast’s glasses, shakes down its suddenly long & lustrous hair, and dresses breakfast in a slinky dress and sassy heels. and suddenly, even though i sat next to breakfast every day in science class and never noticed it before, i now want to take breakfast to the prom and have my wicked way with it, all to the musical stylings of OMD.  (i’m not sure how i turned into the guy in this analogy.  sometimes analogies take surprising turns.)

the one drag to the sauce with the green hat is, the ingredients list does contain a few dodgy-sounding things.  you know, things you might have to get a chemistry degree to properly understand.  or that you think you may have heard about in a “breaking bad” episode.  things that end in –sulphate or –sulphite or maybe even –sorbate?  now, i’m certainly not saying i’m a purist nazi.  i try to make good choices with what i eat, but i don’t eschew preservatives or shun processed foods.  not in the least.  however, when i saw a recipe on the delight that is food52.com to make homemade sriracha, i figured if it was as good as the other stuff, but in fact not containing any crystal meth, well then people we have ourselves a double-whammy of win right there.

finding fresh fresno chiles in the middle of january was a bit of a challenge, but my local asian supermarché ran to my aid with alarming alacrity.  they also hooked me up with a pack of palm sugar even firmer than matt bomer’s abs.  (no visual?  get thee to google.  you’re welcome.)  after a bit of chopping, a short overnight brine, then about 10 minutes of actual work, we were in business.  and by gum, it did not disappoint.  all the sweet & spicy goodness of the original, but more tart and with a little more texture and freshness, i was in condiment-love.  this one's for keepsies.

homemade sriracha "rooster" sauce (adapted from food52.com)

1lb red fresno chiles, chopped

8 garlic cloves

2 tsps kosher salt

2 cups distilled white vinegar

4 tbsps palm sugar (if you don't have any, other dark brown sugar would probably suffice)

place all ingredients except the sugar into a bowl and leave in the refrigerator overnight.  go about your business.  perhaps watch a john hughes movie.  and whatever happened to andrew mccarthy anyway?

the next day, place the mixture into a saucepan and add the sugar.  bring to a boil, then simmer for 5 minutes.  cool to room temperature.

transfer to a blender or food processor and give it a nice long blend.  use a fine sieve to get rid of much of the juice. transfer to your clean bottle, jar, or storage container of choice.  immediately start consuming at every meal. (especially breakfast.)

now, my 9 year-old business partner’s equally talented brother has dubbed my homemade chili paste “Evil Sauce,” mostly due to its wickedly spicy (and disturbingly addictive) qualities.  the homemade rooster packs a little less heat, but makes up for it with sassy tartness, ergo it has become…  Morally Ambiguous Sauce.  boom.  now go cue up a peter gabriel song and find your own 80’s prom date.  this one's all mine.

baby got bibimbap

"oh. my. god.  would you look at her bibimbap."  (note: this bloggy post is pretty much sponsored by sir mixalot, so if anyone was born, i don’t know, after 1980, please google the good knight mixalot and then proceed.  very good, many thanks, carry on.) 

despite growing up in asia, i have very little knowledge of korean food.  i know that it occasionally involves barbeque (just less of the southern, 24-hour-smoked kind, and more of the dramatic, flaming, cooked-in-5-minutes kind).  i know that it often involves the funky, fermented deliciousness that is kimchi.  (it was certainly a bold choice, whomever first thought up kimchi; to take the vegetable that most smells like feet and then subject it to a lengthy fermentation, increasing said feetiness to almost overpowering levels, and then adding chile to the mix…  but somehow, it works.  brilliantly pungent, funky & cold like medina, i count myself a big fan.)  i also know that korean food, thankfully, has nothing to do with anything gangnam style.  and recently i discovered that it frequently features a dish known as bibibimbibapamap.  (or so i thought until i finally figured out how to correctly pronounce it.)

like a slightly crunchy fried rice, smothered with toppings galore, and crowned with a perfectly fried egg, the lure of the bibimbibapamap was just too great, so my supermensch of a friend and i headed to seattle’s international district and set out to recreate a korean feast.  the local bigwig asian supermarché had most of the things we needed, plus a few fun extras.  here i am looming perilously close to a durian.  

you do NOT want to give one of these bad boys the side eye, or they will unleash a world of stink on you like you’ve never smelled before.  in fact, bringing a durian into a taxi, rental car, even some hotels in certain countries in asia is illegal.  an illegal stench.  strange, but true. 

back to the ‘bap.  like many of the recipes and dishes that i favour, it is entirely forgiving.  as a british person with somewhat of an addiction to apologising for things, whether at fault or not, a forgiving dish is something of a necessity at times.  to use beef, chicken or tofu?  bibimbap shan’t judge you.  use a different blend of vegetables than the recipe calls for?  bibimbap understands.  omit the egg if you’re my 6 yr-old who finds them even more vile than durian?  bibimbap forgives you.  it shan’t dangle you upside down from a window in the manner of kevin kline in search of an apology to everyone you have ever met.  no, no.  bibimbap just gives you a little wink, a knowing smile, and says “pass the chile paste, love.”  what can i say?  i like bibimbap and i cannot lie!  (you other brothers can’t deny.)

bibimbap a la jo & supermensch (adapted terribly loosely from bon appétit)

1 pack of firm tofu (the firmer the better.  think hugh jackman's shoulders or possibly daniel craig's jawline.)

1 tsp ginger, grated 

2 scallions, chopped

2 cloves garlic, crushed

soy sauce

2 cups rice, cooked

sesame oil

cut tofu into 1-inch pieces and add to bowl with ginger, scallions, garlic, and enough soy sauce to give it all a good coating.  allow to marinate whilst you prep everything else.

in the extremely unlikely and rare event that you do NOT own a stone bibimbap pot (like SM & myself), heat a cast iron skillet on the stovetop (or the "hob," if you're british).  add a tablespoon of the oil, and once it shimmers, add cooked rice and spread out to an even layer.  let rice crisp in skillet for about 15 minutes, occasionally turning the pan to ensure a nice even crust.

as the rice cooks in the skillet, stir-fry your tofu to desired doneness.  mine ended up with a good dark sear on it.  we could say that was entirely intentional.  or we could surmise that i got completely distracted by the malarky of my children and left it in a wee bit too long.  i'll let you decide.

meanwhile, prep your toppings!  any, all, or none of the following would be perfect:

• bean sprouts, blanched for 3 minutes, then tossed with sesame oil.

• carrots, sliced, diced, or grated, sautéed in sesame oil.

• zucchini, also sautéed in sesame oil, with some korean chile powder (gochugaru) sprinkled on top.

• baby bok choy, steamed or sauteed, ladies' choice.

• spinach and chopped garlic, sautéed in sesame oil.

• wakame (dried seaweed), soaked in water, drained, and chopped.

• shiitake mushrooms, sautéed in sesame oil and soy sauce.

• eggs, fried with yolks still runny.

• korean chile paste (gochujang)

truth: yes, prepare all of these toppings, and the prep becomes somewhat of a faff-fest.  SM managed to keep her kitchen delightfully in order:

whilst mine was somewhat more disorganised; a bit of a slapdash effort, but i got there in the end.

when all your elements are ready and you're chomping at the bit with all the amazing smells floating around your kitchen (none of them durian), you're ready to let the magic happen!  you can either place your toppings atop the rice in the skillet, as is the traditional way in the stone pot, and as menschy did here:

or you can add as you go at the table, because you know darling daughter isn't going to want any mushrooms, darling youngest shan't have any seaweed (despite his cheeky intentions below), and because you have somewhat of an unnatural kitchen-crush on your prep bowls.  

either way, bibimbap forgives and loves you for it.  i like to pile my toppings high in the bowl, top with dollops of the funky, spicy yumness that is gochujang chile paste, then stir my egg into it so the yolk becomes a part of the sauce.  and THAT is how i bip my bap.  boom.  

(and muchas gracias to this week's guest contributor, the supermensch, who rocked her own glasses, spatula, and camera in the kitchen with flair and aplomb.)

baby got bibimbap...