cock a doodle do it

get your minds out of the gutters, you dirty people, we are not going to there.  we’re talking rooster.  as in, sauce.  as in, sriracha.  as in, food is merely a vehicle with which i can transport more of this condiment-of-the-gods into my mouth.   according to the omniscient being that is wikipedia, sriracha is named after the coastal city of si racha, in the chonburi province of central thailand, and is occasionally known as “nam phrik” (i said out of the gutters, people).  according to the omniscient being that is myself (it’s true, ask my kids), sriracha is a perfect blend of spicy, sweet and tart, and is muy delicioso.  it pretty much single-handedly turns breakfast into a meal that suddenly excites me.  it’s like a scene from an 80’s teen rom-com: sriracha takes off breakfast’s glasses, shakes down its suddenly long & lustrous hair, and dresses breakfast in a slinky dress and sassy heels. and suddenly, even though i sat next to breakfast every day in science class and never noticed it before, i now want to take breakfast to the prom and have my wicked way with it, all to the musical stylings of OMD.  (i’m not sure how i turned into the guy in this analogy.  sometimes analogies take surprising turns.)

the one drag to the sauce with the green hat is, the ingredients list does contain a few dodgy-sounding things.  you know, things you might have to get a chemistry degree to properly understand.  or that you think you may have heard about in a “breaking bad” episode.  things that end in –sulphate or –sulphite or maybe even –sorbate?  now, i’m certainly not saying i’m a purist nazi.  i try to make good choices with what i eat, but i don’t eschew preservatives or shun processed foods.  not in the least.  however, when i saw a recipe on the delight that is food52.com to make homemade sriracha, i figured if it was as good as the other stuff, but in fact not containing any crystal meth, well then people we have ourselves a double-whammy of win right there.

finding fresh fresno chiles in the middle of january was a bit of a challenge, but my local asian supermarché ran to my aid with alarming alacrity.  they also hooked me up with a pack of palm sugar even firmer than matt bomer’s abs.  (no visual?  get thee to google.  you’re welcome.)  after a bit of chopping, a short overnight brine, then about 10 minutes of actual work, we were in business.  and by gum, it did not disappoint.  all the sweet & spicy goodness of the original, but more tart and with a little more texture and freshness, i was in condiment-love.  this one's for keepsies.

homemade sriracha "rooster" sauce (adapted from food52.com)

1lb red fresno chiles, chopped

8 garlic cloves

2 tsps kosher salt

2 cups distilled white vinegar

4 tbsps palm sugar (if you don't have any, other dark brown sugar would probably suffice)

place all ingredients except the sugar into a bowl and leave in the refrigerator overnight.  go about your business.  perhaps watch a john hughes movie.  and whatever happened to andrew mccarthy anyway?

the next day, place the mixture into a saucepan and add the sugar.  bring to a boil, then simmer for 5 minutes.  cool to room temperature.

transfer to a blender or food processor and give it a nice long blend.  use a fine sieve to get rid of much of the juice. transfer to your clean bottle, jar, or storage container of choice.  immediately start consuming at every meal. (especially breakfast.)

now, my 9 year-old business partner’s equally talented brother has dubbed my homemade chili paste “Evil Sauce,” mostly due to its wickedly spicy (and disturbingly addictive) qualities.  the homemade rooster packs a little less heat, but makes up for it with sassy tartness, ergo it has become…  Morally Ambiguous Sauce.  boom.  now go cue up a peter gabriel song and find your own 80’s prom date.  this one's all mine.